Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The Oscars Drinking Game

- by J.M.

This Sunday evening credible news organizations will take a break from reporting on the presidential race, the war in Iraq, and the faltering economy, and focus instead on red carpet fashion and celebrity gossip - so why should I do any differently?

Thus, in the spirit of pure frivolity, I offer the following drinking game for use Sunday night:

1. One drink whenever host Jon Stewart makes a self-deprecating joke. Ditto for every time he "mugs" for the camera.

2. One drink every time the music cuts off an award-winner's speech. Two drinks if the music actually stops so the person can finish.

3. Two drinks any time someone makes a self-congratulatory speech praising Hollywood as being "ahead of the curve" or otherwise displaying a lack of humor for absolutely no reason. Three drinks if it's George Clooney. Five if it's Sean Penn.

4. One drink for any reference to Javier Bardem's hair-style in "No Country for Old Men."

5. Two drinks if "Best Song" goes to a movie other than "Enchanted."

6. One drink any time someone mentions the writers' strike or the pending negotiations over the SAG contract.

7. Five drinks (and completely unearned bragging rights) if you've actually seen the winner in either of the "Short Film" categories or the "Documentary Short" category.

8. One drink every time you check your watch to see if the show is over yet. (Hey, you gotta make the time pass somehow . . .)

9. One drink if Jon Stewart mentions Mike Huckabee. Three drinks if he mentions Mike Huckabee, Stephen Colbert, and Conan O'Brien in the same segment. Five drinks if Huckabee shows up to present an award.

10. Three drinks if "No Country for Old Men" wins for Best Picture. (What are the odds the Academy actually bestows this honor on the Coen brothers? They've only made at least five of my favorite movies of all time . . .) Five drinks if "Juno" wins. (It's only been 30 years since a comedy won best picture.)

Edited to add: I have been reminded that "Shakespeare in Love" is considered by many to be a comedy (I consider it a "problem play," in keeping with its Shakespearean theme, but whatever), and it won Best Picture in 1998, so it has only been a decade since a "comedy" won Best Picture. "Juno" is still a long-shot, though, so go ahead and have those five drinks if it wins.


Vix N said...

I think our enterprising recreational director may have been indulging in her own game a little early (probably all those Daily Shows on tivo with Stewart's mug AND the Conan/Colbert/Huckabee trifecta). It's only been a decade since a "comedy" won best picture - "Shakespeare in Love" won in 1998. Well, at least the Golden Globes thought it was a comedy (I don't remember any musical numbers myself). I can see why one instantly assumes a movie relying on Ben Affleck as the comic relief of the comedy may in fact be a tragedy, but let's just chalk it up to a "weird play" - kind of like Cymbeline. Or A Winter's Tale. Or maybe we just have a die hard "Annie Hall" loyalist on our hands, for whom no other comedic films compare after it in her universe.

I simply plan to drink a shot for every minute the show runs past 11 PM EST, which means about 14 shots by the time they get to the best picture award.

Maggie said...

And how drunk did you get?